Confession

Confession: I am addicted to the show “19 Kids & Counting.” For those who haven’t had the privilege (fortitude?) to see this show let me quickly explain the premise. The Duggars – Jim Bob (I swear I didn’t make that up) and Michelle have 19 kids and counting. Basically they lost a baby when they were younger and blame it on birth control. And so…rather than practice any form of moderation they basically reproduce like bunnies. The entertainment value? First, all of the kids’ names begin with a J. (Makes monogramming anything in the family impossible). Second, they are extreme conservative Christians – I’m talking UBER conservative. Girls wear only skirts, boys all have the same republican hair cut that dad has, all are homeschooled, no cable, limited & moderated internet – no outside ideas of any sort. Oh I could add and add to the list of entertaining things on this show, but those two are probably the top contributors. Well that and…
Michelle Duggar. Really, if you haven’t watched the show you really ought to in order to fully grasp what I am attempting to describe. Michelle is happy. Always happy. Always! Annoyingly so at times. 19 kids could crap on the floor and she’d cheerily say with a big smile, “well, looks like I have some work to do.” Everything is said in a sing-songy, over the top, joyful voice. Think some child entertainment (a female Barney with a softer tone?) but amplified. While I watch the show I usually spend the entire time thinking, why are you so happy? Is it Jesus? No, I have Jesus and I’m not filled with that much happiness all the time. The ridiculous number of kids? That didn’t work for John & Kate. The simplicity? Perhaps because she is so sheltered and her entire life is literally spent caring after children. Maybe all those years of hormones surging through her has created a permanent euphoric state. Whatever it is TLC should find some way to concentrate it, bottle it, and sell it to the masses.
Until that day, I’ll continue to watch. Mesmerized by the Duggars and their simple joy and wonderment. Not really wanting to be part of their world, but rather watching them like one would watch a circus act or some odd creature at the zoo that hadn’t been seen before. Meanwhile, they are probably praying for people like me – a moderate liberal, a woman that dares to wear pants, use birth control, and dares to have a career and a life outside of the home, a person that reads books other than the Bible, and listens to and even tolerates other beliefs (insert proper gasp here). One day, we’ll meet in heaven. I’ll thank them for their entertainment value and their ability to distract me from the rest of the world. They’ll let me know they prayed for people like me, and will add that they know it was their prayers that let me in by the skin of my teeth.

Prayer & Politics

Prayer and Politics, what a combination! I really think that prayer is meant to be a two-way conversation. I think that that’s a really easy concept to grasp (though hard to practice) on a personal level. The rub I see thinking of prayer as a conversation when it comes to groups, or even nations. I think that we aren’t very good at public prayer as a conversation.

I think that that is evidenced by a lot of one-way prayers prayed from the pulpit and in public. Maybe it’s because we’re afraid that we will not all listen, or that we will hear different answers to our questions. Maybe it’s because we’re praying for our holy wants, needs, and desires rather than saying, “God – you come first. God, you be elevated. God, let your kingdom come.”

I know that one of the things that has deeply affected me from the Kingdom Encounter [an intensive course taken this month] and reading Eugene Peterson is this notion of prayer. I’m returning to a place of saying, Jesus, will you teach me to pray. And every time I do I am reminded of the Lord’s Prayer; which was his response to his disciples asking the same question. It’s intimate, but not about us. It reminds us that we are dependent upon the Lord for the things that we take for granted all too often – forgiveness, daily bread, the others in our lives. It reminds us that the thing our heart must seek first is the Kingdom of God and that the Lord’s will to be done and that his Kingdom will come. God loves us, and cares for us. Our deepest hearts’ desires do matter to him – but I think not as much as his own will and heart’s desires. I think it’s not until we individually and corporately understand that that we will see 2 Chronicles 7:14 (“If my people, who are called by my name, would humble themselves, and pray, and seek my face, and turn from their wicked ways, THEN I WILL HEAR FROM HEAVEN AND WILL FORGIVE THEIR SIN AND HEAL THEIR LAND.”)come to pass.

So yes, prayer is political. But it’s not about the government of the United States of America. It’s about the Kingdom of God, the place where our true citizenship lies. I think it’s easy to confuse prosperity and peace in America with “health and strength.” I don’t think we’re healthy or strong, and won’t be until we enter into that divine conversation with God, ask what his heart is, and then pray it into being.

What do you think prayer is? How does it relate to politics?

Community & Conversation

I’ve been pestered by Kevin and asked by others to blog more. I’m not making any promises. All I can do is make a beginning. Life is EXTREMELY BUSY! Full time school and full time work leaves little time for extracurricular activities such as blogging. To be perfectly honest, I have to write hundreds of pages for school and then spend 10 hours a day for work. When I do have free time I’m not interested in staring at a computer screen anymore. This also means I’m not on Facebook and Twitter as much.

This past weekend I had the opportunity to preach on community. I’m currently sitting in a conference and Eugene Peterson (author of The Message Bible and about 40other books) is the speaker. He is all about community. He’s also 77 and has some very unique ideas. This man doesn’t have email. He doesn’t use a cell phone. He doesn’t believe in three-point, PowerPoint illustrated sermons. What he does believe in is actual community in which people actually speak and listen to each other. Not speaking and conversing through typing, but using speech and our ears to process that speech. There’s a whole world that exists outside of the web and our computers. There are real stories of real people waiting to be told and heard. I’m not saying I’m unplugging…what I am saying is that I have a new appreciation for actual conversation that has true give and take. I realize the world we live in makes us dependent upon the web and social media to keep in touch with far-flung friends and family.

When was the last time you sat and had a conversation with someone that doesn’t live with you? A real conversation beyond the how are yous and chatter about world events or weather. When was the last time you connected with someone at a soul level?

Take time to listen. Take time to cultivate conversations. Take time to be in community. It’s what we’re created to do.

And we're off...

The marthon pace of life has officially began. On Monday we moved all of our belongings, except for Princess Ellie, into our apartment. Right now it looks like we live in a fortress of boxes. I'm not going to lie, it takes everything in me to not spend all my time away from work to get this place organized.

Why can't I spend my non-working time on organizing? Because I'm also now a full-time graduate student. I thought I was just a plain ol' seminary student but my professors all strongly emphasized that they expect a certain level of committement and ability. Their point is strongly emphasized by the amount of reading I have due already. By this time next week I'm supposed to have read five TEXT books! In the immortal words of Bart Simpson "Holy Cow man!"

To complete this marathon I still have to work my normal 40-50 hour a week job. A job that's going well, but is filled challenges as I work to fix the mistakes of former employees.

So...the gun has fired, the race has begun and now i'm praying that I can finish the semester without dying of exhaustion. It would be even better to have a dog that's still alive, a husband that feels loved and appreciated, a job that's still going smoothly, and at least a B in each class. Pray for us!

Now back to my classes - I had to take a momentary break to find a pen and somehow got distracted with a blog. This IS going to be a long semester.

My Heart for Ministry

So I'm working on Candidacy - the process by which people are ordained in the Methodist Church. One of the questions in the book is "What are your dreams for the future?" Thought I'd share my answer:

I dream of a church that is filled with all generations. I church that is relevant and current. A church that speaks to people’s lives. A church where people realize that at the foot of the cross we are all unworthy. I dream of seeing people fall in love with God and developing that relationship. I dream of seeing a church that understands being connectional and that what we do relates to the people around us and around the world. I dream of leading a church that realizes that the church isn’t a building or a place or time – that we are the church. I dream of change and not church as it has been done, especially just because that’s the way it’s always been done. I dream of a church that gives sacrificially, worships with abandon, is filled with people that live life together and actually know the person across the “aisle”, a church that lives out Jesus’ command to “Love the Lord with all your heart, your mind, and your soul…and to love your neighbor.” I hope to lead people to love well as I learn to love well.

The last 3 months

So, I've been told a lot lately that everyone feels out of the loop with what's going on in the lives of the Thorntons. So here goes:

Since I last updated my blog 3 months and some change ago I was living in Tennessee, working for a company that marketed tourism for the county we lived in. I LOVED IT! Tennessee was home for me. We were a part of a church that was filled with awesome people, Love, Art, Service, rich teachings, AWESOME and engaging worship, a fun filled (amish) village with amaizing people (aka a small group) and oh so much more. I also loved my job. I got to make a difference in a company that is making a difference in the local economy. I got to work with amazing people. Unfortunately, as much as Kevin loved Tennessee and our church his work wasn't such a happy place. Aside from political and philosophical differences at his work the stupid economy caught up to the gymnastic world of that part of TN. With lowering enrollment the gym for which Kevin was working had to cut his hours down to part time.

Meanwhile, a love affair was developing between Kevin, a man, and a gym. No, Kevin's not gay. But he was being pursued by an older man - for a coaching position. This courtship began while we were still living in DC (which we left because of $$$). Kevin worked with a gal from Minnesota. Her father owns a gym in the twin city area. She was impressed by Kevin's mad skills and told her dad all about him. So he tried and tried to get us to come. He finally won by buying us plane tickets to Minnesota in December. By the end of the trip Kevin gave his heart to the wintry, icy, awful state of MN and Flyaways Gold Gymnastics. It was a love affair gone right - for him.

Kevin left me and TN in January to go to MN. No - not divorce or separation - still married just living apart. I had to stay and wait for them to find a replacement for me at work and to try and find work in MN. We were apart for 6 weeks. It was HARD. I don't suggest that to any one do that, ever. EVER! So as a token of my love and affection i packed all my stuff and princess Ellie into my car and headed north to join him in the frozen tundra of MN at the end of February.

Ellie and I did NOT enjoy the ridiculousness that is MN. They have to have extension poles on their fire hydrants because the freaking snow buries them beneath its icy grip. The lakes freeze and people go ICE FISHING. 30 degrees in the winter is an unseasonably warm spell. I'm not going to lie the cold made me cuss a lot!

The economy drove us from TN and then helped me leave MN. I couldn't find a job. YES I LOOKED. I searched for three months and nada, zero, zip jobs for me. I only had one real interview in THREE MONTHS. So once again I packed my car and princess Ellie and we headed south. All the way to THE Tampa, FL.

Sounds like we're living the dream back in the sunshine state except I had to leave Kevin in MN to finish the gymnastic season. We were apart for six more weeks. Really, folks - DO NOT ATTEMPT THIS AT HOME. So as of May Kevin and I had lived apart for 12 weeks and together for four. NOT GOOD.

We're staying with my parents which makes life interesting to say the least. Moving home after being gone for 10 years was interesting and adding in a husband makes it extra interesting. Oh, did I say the reason it's so interesting is because my 91 year-old grandfather who has dementia also lives with us? There's never a dull moment, that's for sure.

On the economic front I applied for a part-time bookkeeping job and turned it into a full-time job that paid more than my last. Ok, you got me - I had nothing to do with it - it was totally a God thing. I'm the administrator of a united methodist church. Again! Those UMCS suck me back in! Kevin finally came to FL in May for interviews and such. So far he's working part-time in gymnastics and will hopefully be going back into law enforcement.

Oh and did i mention that i'm reapplying for seminary? I figure the third time's a charm. Hopefully i can actually have enough faith to trust God that He'll work out the funding and the time constraints and then He and I can stop fighting over this calling thing. I only have 84 credit hours to go, have to work full-time and still want to start a family. I'm going to see how far out onto that lake I can walk before I sink because I know He'll catch me or at least pull me back up and clear the water from my lungs.

BRAVO to you if you've read this far! I'll blog more often so I don't have to write a short novel just to cover the last three months.

For those that didn't read and are skipping to the end:
**We live in Florida
**I work for a church again
**Kevin is in FL too and is a White male seeking a loving employer to spend 40 hours a week with.
**We bought a monkey (Ok so we didn't but you shouldn't have skipped to the end)

The unknown parts of us

We are funny creatures, we humans. In my freshman psychology class we were taught that there are four parts to every person. First there is the part that only that person knows. Second there is a part that that person and others know. Third there is a part that others know but the person does not. And fourth there is a part not yet known. [I'm sure that there are proper names for this but i can't remember that part - sorry.]

At work today we discussed in depth the third part of one of our coworkers. We've all taken a communications style test to help us to better communicate with each other. We reviewed said person's responses this afternoon and couldn't help but to laugh out loud at the responses. On one of the questions you are supposed to choose if people see you as: more playful and fun or more serious. She chose playful and fun. The rest of us are sure she her idea of playful or fun is more like what the rest of us call serious and stiff. She is one of the most serious people I know and is not capable of abstract thought. Clearly she sees her self very differently than she is perceived.

This also comes on the heals of someone calling me a know-it-all. A phrase that I detest. I openly, publicly, and often repeat that I don't know it all. I do know some of it (what ever that is) but no more than most of the people i know. I hate this phrase - not because i feel that it's true, but because there's no arguing your way out of it. Any response with facts or emotions elicits the usual "see I told you." I wish I knew the way to stop hearing that phrase. [See I clearly do not know it all - i have no idea how to solve this problem.] Obviously there is something in my third part that i need to discover and improve on.

For me, when confronted with third and fourth parts of me I panic. I struggle with wanting everyone to approve of me. Not necessarily like me, but at least validate my existence in some way. I wish i didn't have to write that about myself but it falls clearly in the things i do know about myself. It is a struggle. I want to be able to be satisfied only with how God sees me. He obviously knows all things about everything. He even takes the time to count the hair on my head. Why can't I be satisfied with that?

I think I'm experiencing an identity crisis. Part of the crisis comes in that I have to play different roles in different situations. I am probably one person around old friends who know me well and another around coworkers. Still another around my husband and another around my family. Is everyone this compartmentalized? Is this a result of the craziness that has been my life? Maybe the answer is therapy but the thought of paying someone to listen to me rant about my childhood and life makes me cringe. Funny, because i have no problem sending these musings into cyberspace waiting for anyone and everyone to read and comment as they see fit.

So for now, dear void, tell me that everything will be ok. That it's silly to need to feel that i have to be validated (Jesus paid a high price for me - I am valid.) That I am not a know it all. That it's okay not to have all the answers to all the questions that race through my thoughts.

What the...?

So this morning as i was getting ready for work I watched the Today show as always. This morning they shared this story.

My honest reaction was WTF?!? Where to start?

They raised the chimp since he was 3 days old. - Where do you get a 3 day old chimp? What posses you to think, "THIS is the perfect pet for me."?

Poor chimpy gets Lyme disease. - Don't they have Adventex for chimps? No? Oh, right because CHIMPS AREN'T NATIVE TO THE US WHERE TICKS LIVE.

Chimpy is having a bad day so his owners give him Xanax Tea. - Again - WTF? Where'd she get the Xanax? Was it a prescription for the chimp? Why give it to him in a tea? Why is a chimp drinking tea? My brain is ready to explode.

Chimpy goes apey (ha!) the owner gos after him with a Butcher knife and a shovel when the stabbing doesn't work. - So, if you raised an animal from 3 days old how grizzled do you have to be to repeatedly stab your pet? Seriously this disturbs me.

Stabbed chimp runs away, opens a cop car door, and attacks the cop. The cop "has no choice but to shoot the chimp several times." - One bullet can't put this repeatedly stabbed and beaten chimp down? Is this super chimp? Can he leap over buildings and save caged zoo animals? If a cop shot a human "several times" he'd be brought up on charges - even if the human were a convicted baby killer.

The cop being interviewed said that the department recently attained tasers that could have stopped the chimp. But, these tasers couldn't be deployed to the scene in time. - What kind of police department purchases tasers and then leaves them at the department to be deployed when needed? Shouldn't you carry those with you?

We, as a society, have some serious issues. I'm just saying.

I'm never going to say never - starting now

The beauty of the divine is when you can look back on a journey and see how seemingly inconsequential, mundane choices in life led to the amazing and unknown. Today while I prepare to move - again i can't help but to sit back and just giggle at God. If you had asked me 10 years ago what I'd be doing I can tell you some things that would not have made the list. I would NEVER have said I'd be moving to Minnesota. I would NEVER have thought that I would have applied to be a church administrator or a pastor. The list continues. Five years ago or even six months ago would i ever, in my wildest dreams, think that I'd be where I am.

If there is one thing I've learned these years it is that I should stop saying never. "I'm never moving to Orlando" Whoops - moved to Orlando. "I'm never getting married." Well - I am. I give up. I've often said that my favorite verse is Jeremiah 10:23: "For I know oh Lord that a man's life is not his own. It's not for man to direct his steps." That's my hearts cry and perhaps I should have stopped more often over the years and really soaked that in. Instead I make plans. I determine my steps and then get stressed when they don't work.

I'm not saying that from this point on I'm going to lie in bed until God tells me to get up. (Though there are some days that that sounds divine.) I'm saying that instead of making my plans and running ahead thinking I have to handle everything on my own I can actually learn to rely on God. I can trust that what he has for me are good things, good plans - better plans than I can make. I need to find the tension between: doing everything on my own and figuring everything out by myself and STRESSING OUT all the time; and trusting God, finding out His plan, listening to what He has to say about this story He's writing that includes me but is not about me.

I don't have to plan. I have only to listen and respond. I don't have to stress - in fact I'm told not to worry more than once in scripture (suggesting that this is a trend with humanity). I think I'm going to get that tattooed on my right hand so I have to look at it everyday.

Thanksgiving Misadventures

I should have seen it from the start. The day started with making a breakfast that Krista doesn't like. Whoops. Then I forgot to buy eggs so I couldn't make the pies I promised for the Thanksgiving meal we were going to. Luckily Kevin found an open grocery and rescued the day.

All of this, though, pales in comparison to the misadventures that awaited us in Indianapolis. We plan to go to Indy every Friday after Thanksgiving so that Kevin can coach a clinic with his mentor. So, Friday came, and off we went. The drive up was smooth. We had planned to take Krista to downtown Indy to see the greatness that is the city. BUT it was the night that they were lighting their city so it was CRAZY!! Parking was nuts, people were singing off key at every corner, and cold and crowds were in abundance. Needless to say, we didn't stay long. We did want to eat some where that's an Indy original and ended up at Aubeulo's. (Sp?) Grandpa's house and my stomach did not like each other. It was NO GOOD!

Saturday was pretty quite. Kevin coached. Krista wrote a paper. I slept and did some work. We went out with some of the other coaches for dinner - a fun time was had by most. There was a coach there that had a little too much beer and the more he drank the louder he got. The rest of the evening was a blast though.

Sunday - the day of all days. Kevin went back to coaching. Krista and I thought it'd be a great day to go shopping so off we went to this cute outdoor mall. It was good - except that i was sick, AGAIN. Oh and it was miserable outside - cloudy, and wet and nearly snowing. When we had all that we could take of looking at things we couldn't afford we decided to go to Barnes & Noble and get coffee. Warmed from the coffee goodness we decided it was time to go and get Kevin and hit the road. My car had other ideas. We got in and turned the key: nothing. Tried again still nothing. So, I opened the hood, grabbed my hat, scarf, and gloves and looked for some jumper cables. But they are in Kevin’s car in Nashville. If your car doesn't start - it's obviously the battery. So I was quickly and rudely welcomed to the North. Hood up, tears welling, i asked numerous passer-bys if they had jumper cables. No, no, no. Finally a cop pulled into the parking lot. So, Krista mustered her courage and asked the police officer if she could give us a jump. To which she replied, "I'm not obligated to help. But I can call a tow truck." Thanks a heap coyote ugly!! After about another 30 minutes someone FINALLY came and offered to give us a jump. But they didn't have jumper cables. So they went and found some and came back. But it didn't work.

Another 20 or more minutes pass with people walking by, not caring. Finally a nice gentleman came and pulled out fancy jumper cables and wanted to help. He tried to jump the car. It didn't work. He asked me to turn the headlights on. They came on with ease. "sorry, but it's not your battery." GREAT!!! I call Kevin and he suggests I ask someone for help. ARG!

Frustrated beyond tears i turn to the owner’s manual. It turns out there was a light in my dashboard indicating that someone tried to steal my car. I knew that means that the car was in lock down. So I try to call the dealership that I purchased the car from. Closed. So, I 411 a local dealership. Closed. So I call the number in the owner’s manual. CLOSED!!! Finally a nice lady that tried to help me in the parking lot offered to Google the problem and see if she could find something out. She also let me know that all dealerships in Indiana are closed on Sunday - it's a law. (What state has so much free time in its legislative season that they can take time to vote on whether dealerships should be open on Sundays and then make it a law?!?!?)

Finally, the caped super hero found the number for Dodge's road side assistance. Such a kind lady! So I call. They agree - the light means my car thinks that someone tried to steal it. So...3 hours after this whole ordeal began a tow truck appeared to take my car away. He let Kevin, Krista and I CRAM ourselves into the cab with him (half way to the place he was kind enough to let us know that we could have ridden in my car.) Once we got to the dealership we ask the tow truck driver if he could give us a ride to a nearby hotel. He wasn't obligated to help either. So we gathered our luggage, left the keys at the dealership and started to hike. We literally hiked up hill in the snow to a Steak N Shake where we grabbed some dinner. Then we continued on our trek to the hotel. Wet, unhappy, and tired we arrive at the closest hotel - a crack motel apparently. So we locked ourselves in for the night and tried not to touch too many things.

With morning came a sense of optimism. I called the dealership to see if they had a shuttle service. The receptionist told me no. So, we gathered ourselves and our luggage and stepped back into the snow to walk the 1/2 mile back to the dealership. We arrived soaked and found at least some free coffee and danish. While munching on our goodies a nice, older fellow popped his head into the waiting room and asked if anyone needed the shuttle service. I'm pretty sure that at this point the Holy Spirit lent me all the patience and self-control that I needed. Because if i wasn't a christian I would have gone and smacked the receptionist with all my might!!!

Turns out that the wireless key module in my car was fried. I don't know how or why. But it did. So they didn't have the part in stock and had to order it from Chicago - which meant we were stuck for another day!! Apparently, Indiana is not the friend of the auto-mechanic or the stranded tourist. So, luckily my car is still under warranty. The nice warranty company paid my bill AND gave us a rental car. No more hiking in the snow. So we went back to the nice hotel we originally stayed in. They were nice to us and gave us free laundry soap (b/c I'm not an over packer like some we had run out of clothes) and a reduced rate for the room. SWEET! So we hung out in the room, mostly defeated. Had to go to Cracker Barrel for dinner - comfort food and sweet tea! And, after not really sleeping since leaving TN we bought me some Nyquil and I got to sleep! Ten lovely, sleepy hours later I woke up, late.

Quick showers were had and things were thrown into suit cases. We shuffled back into the car and headed back to the dealership. They gave me new keys and a bill. Then the cashier, who apparently couldn't read the big post-it note on the bill charged me for the ENTIRE COST! I literally snapped at her and made her take it off my debit card. 10 minutes later we were all back in my car - two days and hours of frustration later than we had planned - we were headed back to Nashvegas. Never thought I'd be so happy to see the TN boarder in all my life.

Today I had a moment of panic. It turns out that the cashier (whose nametag should have read "Incompetent") processed the $630 bill on my card anyways! I called the dealership - I think they knew it was me, they didn't answer. Then I called my bank. She also processed a credit, but it was taking a while to show up. The cashier is lucky because at this point I was ready to drive back to Indianapolis just to kick her!

Now, I'm ready to stay home and have no more adventures.

Now What?

I miss my friends, but I honestly put off calling them. Why? I dread the, "So what's new with you?" question that's always asked. I know that it's my friends way of checking in on me and they don't expect some wonderfully exciting piece of news. The problem is I do.

I had all of these plans and dreams. Some of which have come to pass. Others seem to be floating off into some ethereal place, or to have fallen behind the refrigerator of my mind. I feel as though I've accomplished very little in the last 28 years.

Am I just adjusting to mediocrity? Do I need to just let go of the dreams and plans and adjust to the monoteny that is my life? Is this the point in life where I wake up and realize, maybe it's not going to happen. This is what you'll see day in and day out for-ev-er.

Or, do i shake the dust and cobwebbs away, take a good hard assesment of where I am and adjust course? The only answer I have is the honest question of, ugh I don't know. I've lived life (or have tried to) by my favorite passage of scripture "A man's life is not his own. It is not for man to direct his steps." Jer 10:23

But, that can lead to a theological conundrum and the diference between Arminianism & Clavanism. My Calvanist friends would say, obviously God placed you where you are, so bloom little flower. [Ok, not all of them would add the bit about the flower - they're not all rosey -HA! Get it!] But my strong Arminian side screams back - BUT I HAVE FREE WILL; Perhaps it's my poor choices that have landed me here! Then this huge debate happens in my head that leads further down the rabbit trail to the deep recess of perhaps too much philosphical and theological training (or not enough).

We've been talking about vision, purpose, and mission in our church and family group, err Village - it will always be a family group to me. I think I may have it by George!! Maybe my mission can be to find and live in the tension of not being satisfied with where I am or what I'm doing, but still being content in where I've landed (been led). To praise God for the past and to give to Him the dreams and ambitions and let Him shape them. Sort of like a toddler who sees some great sculpture in her head but can only make worms out of her playdough. So I'll give my playdough to the One who can match the picture placed inside me. Hopefully when it's done I'll see some of my fingerprints (places where I was listening and obedient to God).

Why buy it if I can make it?

After some delving into recipies in cookbooks and on line, and after various forms of inspiration I adopted a new slogan this past weekend. "Why buy it if I can make it?" My new mantra is formed by a desire to be frugal, to avoid preservative saturated foods, and to rise to the challange of making things with my own hands.

So, with my megarly equiped kitchen I made the following on Saturday: butter, multi-grain bread, cinnamon rolls, coca-cola cake, spagetti sauce, dog treats, and dishwasher soap. All without a food processor or stand-up mixer.

So here's the recounting of how my aspirations turn out.

The butter:

The recipe is simple: cold heavy cream & shake until it's butter. It actually called to put it into an empty jar with a lid and shake until the butter forms. Who actually has an empty jar with a lid around? I even looked in our recycling bin - but had nothing. So I used what i did have: a coctail/martini shaker. It seemed like a good fit to me - but i learned after about the 15th shake that it there's a reason you need a secure lid: pressure builds as the cream turns to butter. So much pressure that it will explode the top of a cocktail shaker right off. I had a buttery/creamy covered kitchen. Ellie was happy to help clean up. In the end I used my hand mixer (an updated butter churn) and I made some great butter!!

The bread:

The Ingredients


The dough


Rolled Dough


The finished product

With some recipe subsituting (after not wanting to back to the grocery for the fourth time) it was actually relatively easy. It requires a lot of patience though! All in all the bread took about 5 hours from start to finish. About 3 of those hours are spent waiting for the dough to rise. I did learn that making bread is a great stress releaver. You get to punch the dough and kneeding helps push away all those troubles :)

Cinnamon Rolls:

The yummy in my tummy filling


Pre-cooked - they looked even less professional once finished

Serisouly - I'm never buying refrigerator pre-made rolls again. The recipie i found was so easy! I did learn to read how many rolls a recipe yeilds - i ended up making about 16 rolls when it was all done - way too much for the too of us. They didn't look pretty or perfect but they tasted great.

Coca-cola Cake:

The hand-mixed cake batter

Finished Cake

The closest I came to failing in my baking extravangza. The failure came in not having a 13x9 pan - oh and the only pan i had to use was one of those stupid floppy pans. Whomever invented these is a demented sadist. It seems like a good idea - your baked goods won't stick - but the pan flops hot cake/icing onto my arm, my counters, and anywhere else it desires. The cake was too sweet for Kevin so now I have a cake to force-feed to people.

Spagetti Sauce:

Peeled - in the process of being seeded, fresh from the Kroger Vine tomatoes


The Finished Product

FROM TOMATOES ON THE VINE! I peeled and seeded about 3 pounds of tomattoes to my my sauce. I have to say in the end I think canned tomatoes would have tasted as good. It took about 45 minutes to peel, seed, & chop all the tomatoes. Tasty sauce, but not sure it was worth the chop time. (Maybe if I had a food processor and didn't have to chop by hand I'd have a different story.) The sauce turned out great though, and gave us less heart-burn than the typical sauce we buy.

Dog Treats:

Pre-Cooked Dog Treats

Ellie is a HUGE fan of these. She literally parked out by the oven, sniffing the air waiting for them to be done. They were supposed to dry out over night to be crunchy but she sat and whined for one and LOVED it hot out of the oven. I'm definetely not buying dog treats any more. The total cost for about 3 dozen treats was maybe a dollar, maybe. So easy too!

Dishwasher Soap:

A fairly simple mixture of baking soda, borax, & washing soda. It works well, but the open boxes of Borax & washing soda next to the bleach & vinegar in my cleaning cabinet make it look like I'm making bombs. The smell from the Borax & Washing Soda are slightly overpowering so I've had to bag them up and hide them away. Again though, for the frugal at heart this solution is very inexpensive for about $1 I have enough dishwasher mix to last for about a month.

So all in all I think my new mantra just might stick. Why buy it if I can make it?

Connected

You don't really know how much you love someone or something until it's needlessly taken away. When we moved to TN we "borrowed" an Internet connection from a neighbor. Ok, we stole it - don't judge we were really poor!!! Then that neighbor moved away and took with them our internet. So, we broke down and decided it was time to pay for a connection. We had our very own bonified connection to the internet - wireless even. Then within a week our network card got "crispy fried" as the nice man at Geek Squad told us. Good thing we bought the warranty. Finally, now after nearly 3 weeks (who knows how long it actually took - it was like i was living in another dimension) our dear sweet computer came home with a new network card. It's all shiny and new feeling.

Seriously though, I LOVE the internet. To be honest I spend most of my time on line staying connected with my scattered friends. I've felt cut off and disconnected from the world. And now it's all back - so watch out! Soon my dumb comments will creep into emails, blogs, and of course the Facebook.

Welcome home little internet. You will be cherished here.

no internet = no updates

We've had no internet at home for what seems like a month! So no internet = no updates. I'm actually staying late at work to write this little tid-bit.

I love Donald Miller! Read his blog - it's in my blog list. The most recent one about riding across America really just slapped me upside my head. He says, "I think the inability to think rationally begins when we believe we know more than we are actually capable of knowing, and do not think objectively because our identities are tied to our ideas." How true is that! How often to we get upset when people don't agree with us. I think it's less about having to be right as much our ideas usually compile our identity so when people disagree we take it as a personal attack. I try
not to do this too often but i know i have more than i like to admit. How great would it be to live in a world where you are not known by a profession or your list of ideas, but are simply known for you - all the quirky things that make you you.

I have nothing profound of my own to write - only that we are alive and will begin to blog again once we have internet at home.

Finally...a permanent job.

It's settled. No more moving for a very long time. I am now permanently employed by the Williamson County Convention and Visitors Bureau as the Office Manager. WOOHOO!!

We've been throwing around the idea of moving back to DC for higher paying jobs (and higher cost of living to go with it) but have finally decided that we're happy, and why ruin that? We are settling down and plan to make a life in this fun and funky place. So come visit!

Meanwhile...God seems to be teaching new things all the time. Lately it's that I have limited control over situations while he has limitless power to meet all my needs. And I was reminded of a lesson learned earlier on...there is a garment of praise for a spirit of despair. I wish I would remember that in the throws of despair and not wait weeks for that to suddenly dawn on me in the midst of worship.
There's so much more going on than I'm willing to publicly post. I really am just trying to just trust and rest in the knowledge that I serve a mighty God.

But...tonight we're going to Bluegrass on the Harpeth which is sure to produce many a picture and maybe even a video or two.

One other tidbit: I learned a rather cool part of Franklin's history this past week. In 1864 as the Battle of Franklin finally drew to a close, leaving 1000s wounded or dead on both sides of the war a Confederate preacher began to have prayer meetings and write those prayers down. God used his heart felt prayers and service to start a revival in Franklin - the one of the first revivals in the "holiness revival movement" in the Methodist Church. (Holiness revival movement = what we think of as revivals today.) As some of my friends my guess it was quickly shut down by the powers that be and he was moved to a small church in Mississippi. (Sound familiar?) Two of his books were published while he was alive and about 6 more were published after he died. You can still buy his books on Amazon. His name: EM Bounds. Check out the full story at: http://clusterpaper.com/article/em-bounds.

Beautiful Day

Quite literally, it is one of the most breath-taking-ly beautiful day's I've seen. The sky is the perfect color of mystery blue, there's cool breeze, and it's about 85. It was hard to stay indoors today.

But the beauty of the day isn't merely a matter of the weather. Today is a day that no matter what ill news may come (Stupid IRS) my heart will still rejoice. Today is a day when Justice is introducing itself to our history.

After years of relentless violence and horrible massacre the world's courts have begun to open their sleepy eyes and see the genocide in Darfur. The Prosecutor of the International Criminal Court is seeking to press charges of genocide against the president of Sudan. (http://www.cnn.com/2008/WORLD/africa/07/14/icc.transcript/index.html?eref=rss_world) If this warrent for arrest is issued, and President Omar Hassan al-Bashir is finally submitted into the earthly hands of justice, all should rejoice.

No, the violence in Africa won't stop. But, the hell that is Darfur and all of Sudan will perhaps know the peace that has been prayed for by so many. The voices of thousands of protestors will be heard and not haven fallen on deaf ears.

Pray that the beauty of the moment of justice will come. That it comes quickly. That the evil that has drenched the ground blood red will be bound on earth. That the tiny bits of morality that hold our fabric of society together will hold strong and rightly punish the wrong. Because, if no charges are brought, or if a prosecution fails in this court - hope is lost for the remaining inhabitants of that region. Retaliation is the free cool-aid of Africa and everyone's thirsty, and if not they're forced to drink.

PRAY. If you've ever had tug at your heart for Africa or for Darfur muster it up, put your foot on the spiritual battle's front line and offer up all that you have. If you don't believe in God or that God has anything to do with the outcome of events, let's put debating aside. Offer your good thoughts, write your congressman, your senator, the President, DO ANYTHING BUT SIT IN FRONT OF A COMPUTER SCREEN AND NOTHING ELSE!

Tick Tock Tick Tock

Isn’t it funny how at 60 seconds can seem like the longest amount of time on earth and other times it’s way too short. Life is full of waiting, times when time seems not to be moving – or at least life’s not moving with time. Then there’s days when you wake up and realize that the memory you were just thinking about was actually 7 years ago!!!

In Philosophy of Religion that I took nearly two years ago (seems like a few months ago) we talked about whether we believe God exists inside or outside of time. I concluded that God exists outside of it, but as proven by history can step into it. (Jesus)

I want to exist outside of time. I want to not worry. And the more I think about it most of my worries and stress are time related, perhaps not on the surface but time plays a factor. I worry about money because I need it for future bills or other future needs. I stress over starting a family, my marriage, and so many other things – because of what might happen in the future or things that happened in the past.

Why do we feel that we have to measure our lives by time? By age such and such I should have done so and so. Ten years from now everything will be fine. Oh to be whatever age again when life was carefree.

Time consumes us. Literally, we’re eaten up one day at a time. I know in my head that it’s silly to worry about tomorrow or even yesterday – that all we have is right now. I wish I could teach that to my heart, my soul, to the thing in me that spends so much time wishing for things to be different, wishing for the future to be here now, wishing that I had done things differently in the past.

I can’t touch yesterday and tomorrow’s not certain. I want to learn to live right now. Not to think – ok I have an hour before such and such happens so I’ll just fill my time with something useless until then. Reliant K said it best in their song More Than Useless, “My datebook is packed full of days that were empty and now gone.” I’m tired of having empty days filled with nothing.

I don’t know how to fix it, though. Even now I’m counting minutes until Kevin gets home, days until I go to Tallahassee, months until we finally feel settled somewhere, and years for dreams to come true. I don’t want to be Hook – haunted by the ticking of the clock inside the crock that’s waiting to eat me. But, I don’t know how to get to the place Peter Pan found – where time stood still and he was a boy forever.

Tagged

Thanks so much lisa b. I have lots of different things blog about, but tonight i'm so congested and miserable I'll finally answer the tag. So I am supposed to share 6 things little-known facts about myself.

1 - I had radiation poisoning from the Chernobyl explosion when I lived in Europe as a child.

2 - I am extremely terrified of rodents. I am unashamed to stand on chairs and scream like a little girl.

3 - I have never been able to do a cartwheel or a flip - even now that i'm married to a gymnastics instructor.

4 - I prefer to eat nearly all vegetable's raw - corn, green beans, broccoli, green peppers, etc.

5 - I went to 11 different schools from Kindergarten to High school

6 - I'm so obsessed with Jane Austin novels that I named my dog after two of her characters: Elinor from Sense & Sensibility and Elizabeth from Pride and Prejudice.

and now...I'm tagging Kevin because he likes to make me blog and then never blogs himself!

For some people "home" is easy to define. It's where they grew up or where they live now. I have lots of homes. A home is waiting for me in a mansion some day. My earthly homes are more meager though. But of all the places I call or have called home, I have to say that right where I am seems to really fit.
It is so rich here. We have a great little townhouse. The people are friendly and strangers stop you to say hello. There's country charm in abundance. Beauty surrounds you on every hill side and the warm breeze carries with it the smell of wild flowers (or so I imagine since I don't actually have the ability to smell anything).
We spent yesterday exploring our wonderful, new home town. We began with a trip to the local farmers market. I went with every intention of buying everything from locally grown, organic produce to milk and eggs from the farms I pass by everyday on my way home. Turns out local farmers charge a lot for products like milk and eggs (about twice as much.) We did buy some green beans, potatoes, and squash though. After eating some green beans last night I can definitely taste and see why organic, local produce is infinitely better. I just wish our pockets were infinitely deeper so we could afford to buy the other products sold there like milk, eggs, cheese, and meat. Oh well.
After the farmers market we went to the Factory. The Factory began in life as a stove factory. Like all stove factories, I imagine, it dreamt of being something cooler. Now, 50 years later, in the prime of its life it is an awesome little shopping center and home to two churches (and the weekly farmers market camps out in its parking lot). Our church is located in one of the buildings, but most of the shops are closed on Sunday. Actually, most of the town is closed on Sunday. So yesterday we took a walk through. It’s filled to the brim with local crafts, arts, artisan guitars, fancy little restaurants, and an awesome antique dealer. I could have spent a lot of money there yesterday.

After the factory we took a four block trip to down town Franklin. Again, a place filled with cutie-pie shops, fun places to eat, and loads of charm. I found my new favorite clothing shop, though I think none of the clothes in there will fit my largeness. It’s called Philanthropy and its tag line is “Clothing with Compassion.” The store’s filled with awesome products, many of which have portions of the proceeds going to awesome causes like Hands and Feet and Sudan. There was even paper made of recycled Elephant poo. I also found a place where I scored (well a future score) a free hair cut. They need participants to come and get their hair cut so they can train their “Apprentices.” Fancy!
We ate at Puckett’s. Puckett’s is the quintessential definition of Franklin. It’s a replica, filled with authenticity. Franklin is home to the bloodiest battle of the civil war, and one of the last battles of the war. It was here that the Confederates decided they can’t keep up with the Union and should call it quits. Or something to that effect – American history is not my bag. Anyways, there is an original Puckett’s grocery and restaurant in Leiper’s Fork, a nearby farming community. This place has been around since forever – before supermarkets were the trend. It’s a place where you could go pick up what you didn’t grow on your farm and grab a bite to eat while you catch up with other folk. Now there’s a smaller version in downtown Franklin. It’s history and modernity all rolled up into a delicious glass of sweet tea and a yummy burger.

This is Puckett’s, Franklin. They still sell groceries; they’re on the wall behind us.


Our church, located inside the Factory. It’s way cool!

One of the farms on our way to Franklin

There are all these “dry” stone walls, a lot of which have been here since the battle of Franklin.


Downtown Franklin.


This is my favorite picture. Kevin took it yesterday, and I think the angles make it look all artsy. These history signs are about every 10 steps. The civil war history here is sort of a big deal.


This is what I mean about Franklin. Here’s a 100 year old+ building with a Starbucks in it. It’s unique – as in odd.

CONGESTION GO AWAY!!!

I was supposed rerecord the voicemail to include myself on the list of extensions today at work. The unfortunate thing is that once again for the millionth day in a row I'm completely congested. To make it even worse my 15 letter full name consists of almost all consonants. It's nearly impossible to say!! Bs, Ds, and Ts don't work when I'm congested! AH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

NOTHING WORKS to get rid of this!! Take allergy pills some suggest. The problem: I was tested for allergies in October(!) for this very problem and I'm not allergic to anything!!!!!!!!!! What the crap! So the pills don't work. Decongestants over the counter don't work. Nasal Sprays and Sinus rinses work for two seconds and then the old schnoz reacts with a vengeance. I'm to the point where I'm ready to use a coat hanger to rip out my sinuses! With my luck I'd get some horrible face infection from the unclean coat hanger. RATS! I probably should go see a doctor, but alas we have no health insurance and it's not like I'm going to die.

On a happy note - my job is practically perfect. I get to play with brochures all day, talk on the phone, and best of all: build nerdy databases that impress people. That's right I spent half my day in Excel heaven making the graphs coordinate to the season they represented. Pure nerdy bliss! Plus - we found a Wingstop not too far away, but I think only Kevin and Krista will understand the happiness found there.

Pictures tomorrow, I promise. Once again the camera stayed home while I went to work.