Confession

Confession: I am addicted to the show “19 Kids & Counting.” For those who haven’t had the privilege (fortitude?) to see this show let me quickly explain the premise. The Duggars – Jim Bob (I swear I didn’t make that up) and Michelle have 19 kids and counting. Basically they lost a baby when they were younger and blame it on birth control. And so…rather than practice any form of moderation they basically reproduce like bunnies. The entertainment value? First, all of the kids’ names begin with a J. (Makes monogramming anything in the family impossible). Second, they are extreme conservative Christians – I’m talking UBER conservative. Girls wear only skirts, boys all have the same republican hair cut that dad has, all are homeschooled, no cable, limited & moderated internet – no outside ideas of any sort. Oh I could add and add to the list of entertaining things on this show, but those two are probably the top contributors. Well that and…
Michelle Duggar. Really, if you haven’t watched the show you really ought to in order to fully grasp what I am attempting to describe. Michelle is happy. Always happy. Always! Annoyingly so at times. 19 kids could crap on the floor and she’d cheerily say with a big smile, “well, looks like I have some work to do.” Everything is said in a sing-songy, over the top, joyful voice. Think some child entertainment (a female Barney with a softer tone?) but amplified. While I watch the show I usually spend the entire time thinking, why are you so happy? Is it Jesus? No, I have Jesus and I’m not filled with that much happiness all the time. The ridiculous number of kids? That didn’t work for John & Kate. The simplicity? Perhaps because she is so sheltered and her entire life is literally spent caring after children. Maybe all those years of hormones surging through her has created a permanent euphoric state. Whatever it is TLC should find some way to concentrate it, bottle it, and sell it to the masses.
Until that day, I’ll continue to watch. Mesmerized by the Duggars and their simple joy and wonderment. Not really wanting to be part of their world, but rather watching them like one would watch a circus act or some odd creature at the zoo that hadn’t been seen before. Meanwhile, they are probably praying for people like me – a moderate liberal, a woman that dares to wear pants, use birth control, and dares to have a career and a life outside of the home, a person that reads books other than the Bible, and listens to and even tolerates other beliefs (insert proper gasp here). One day, we’ll meet in heaven. I’ll thank them for their entertainment value and their ability to distract me from the rest of the world. They’ll let me know they prayed for people like me, and will add that they know it was their prayers that let me in by the skin of my teeth.

Prayer & Politics

Prayer and Politics, what a combination! I really think that prayer is meant to be a two-way conversation. I think that that’s a really easy concept to grasp (though hard to practice) on a personal level. The rub I see thinking of prayer as a conversation when it comes to groups, or even nations. I think that we aren’t very good at public prayer as a conversation.

I think that that is evidenced by a lot of one-way prayers prayed from the pulpit and in public. Maybe it’s because we’re afraid that we will not all listen, or that we will hear different answers to our questions. Maybe it’s because we’re praying for our holy wants, needs, and desires rather than saying, “God – you come first. God, you be elevated. God, let your kingdom come.”

I know that one of the things that has deeply affected me from the Kingdom Encounter [an intensive course taken this month] and reading Eugene Peterson is this notion of prayer. I’m returning to a place of saying, Jesus, will you teach me to pray. And every time I do I am reminded of the Lord’s Prayer; which was his response to his disciples asking the same question. It’s intimate, but not about us. It reminds us that we are dependent upon the Lord for the things that we take for granted all too often – forgiveness, daily bread, the others in our lives. It reminds us that the thing our heart must seek first is the Kingdom of God and that the Lord’s will to be done and that his Kingdom will come. God loves us, and cares for us. Our deepest hearts’ desires do matter to him – but I think not as much as his own will and heart’s desires. I think it’s not until we individually and corporately understand that that we will see 2 Chronicles 7:14 (“If my people, who are called by my name, would humble themselves, and pray, and seek my face, and turn from their wicked ways, THEN I WILL HEAR FROM HEAVEN AND WILL FORGIVE THEIR SIN AND HEAL THEIR LAND.”)come to pass.

So yes, prayer is political. But it’s not about the government of the United States of America. It’s about the Kingdom of God, the place where our true citizenship lies. I think it’s easy to confuse prosperity and peace in America with “health and strength.” I don’t think we’re healthy or strong, and won’t be until we enter into that divine conversation with God, ask what his heart is, and then pray it into being.

What do you think prayer is? How does it relate to politics?

Community & Conversation

I’ve been pestered by Kevin and asked by others to blog more. I’m not making any promises. All I can do is make a beginning. Life is EXTREMELY BUSY! Full time school and full time work leaves little time for extracurricular activities such as blogging. To be perfectly honest, I have to write hundreds of pages for school and then spend 10 hours a day for work. When I do have free time I’m not interested in staring at a computer screen anymore. This also means I’m not on Facebook and Twitter as much.

This past weekend I had the opportunity to preach on community. I’m currently sitting in a conference and Eugene Peterson (author of The Message Bible and about 40other books) is the speaker. He is all about community. He’s also 77 and has some very unique ideas. This man doesn’t have email. He doesn’t use a cell phone. He doesn’t believe in three-point, PowerPoint illustrated sermons. What he does believe in is actual community in which people actually speak and listen to each other. Not speaking and conversing through typing, but using speech and our ears to process that speech. There’s a whole world that exists outside of the web and our computers. There are real stories of real people waiting to be told and heard. I’m not saying I’m unplugging…what I am saying is that I have a new appreciation for actual conversation that has true give and take. I realize the world we live in makes us dependent upon the web and social media to keep in touch with far-flung friends and family.

When was the last time you sat and had a conversation with someone that doesn’t live with you? A real conversation beyond the how are yous and chatter about world events or weather. When was the last time you connected with someone at a soul level?

Take time to listen. Take time to cultivate conversations. Take time to be in community. It’s what we’re created to do.

And we're off...

The marthon pace of life has officially began. On Monday we moved all of our belongings, except for Princess Ellie, into our apartment. Right now it looks like we live in a fortress of boxes. I'm not going to lie, it takes everything in me to not spend all my time away from work to get this place organized.

Why can't I spend my non-working time on organizing? Because I'm also now a full-time graduate student. I thought I was just a plain ol' seminary student but my professors all strongly emphasized that they expect a certain level of committement and ability. Their point is strongly emphasized by the amount of reading I have due already. By this time next week I'm supposed to have read five TEXT books! In the immortal words of Bart Simpson "Holy Cow man!"

To complete this marathon I still have to work my normal 40-50 hour a week job. A job that's going well, but is filled challenges as I work to fix the mistakes of former employees.

So...the gun has fired, the race has begun and now i'm praying that I can finish the semester without dying of exhaustion. It would be even better to have a dog that's still alive, a husband that feels loved and appreciated, a job that's still going smoothly, and at least a B in each class. Pray for us!

Now back to my classes - I had to take a momentary break to find a pen and somehow got distracted with a blog. This IS going to be a long semester.

My Heart for Ministry

So I'm working on Candidacy - the process by which people are ordained in the Methodist Church. One of the questions in the book is "What are your dreams for the future?" Thought I'd share my answer:

I dream of a church that is filled with all generations. I church that is relevant and current. A church that speaks to people’s lives. A church where people realize that at the foot of the cross we are all unworthy. I dream of seeing people fall in love with God and developing that relationship. I dream of seeing a church that understands being connectional and that what we do relates to the people around us and around the world. I dream of leading a church that realizes that the church isn’t a building or a place or time – that we are the church. I dream of change and not church as it has been done, especially just because that’s the way it’s always been done. I dream of a church that gives sacrificially, worships with abandon, is filled with people that live life together and actually know the person across the “aisle”, a church that lives out Jesus’ command to “Love the Lord with all your heart, your mind, and your soul…and to love your neighbor.” I hope to lead people to love well as I learn to love well.

The last 3 months

So, I've been told a lot lately that everyone feels out of the loop with what's going on in the lives of the Thorntons. So here goes:

Since I last updated my blog 3 months and some change ago I was living in Tennessee, working for a company that marketed tourism for the county we lived in. I LOVED IT! Tennessee was home for me. We were a part of a church that was filled with awesome people, Love, Art, Service, rich teachings, AWESOME and engaging worship, a fun filled (amish) village with amaizing people (aka a small group) and oh so much more. I also loved my job. I got to make a difference in a company that is making a difference in the local economy. I got to work with amazing people. Unfortunately, as much as Kevin loved Tennessee and our church his work wasn't such a happy place. Aside from political and philosophical differences at his work the stupid economy caught up to the gymnastic world of that part of TN. With lowering enrollment the gym for which Kevin was working had to cut his hours down to part time.

Meanwhile, a love affair was developing between Kevin, a man, and a gym. No, Kevin's not gay. But he was being pursued by an older man - for a coaching position. This courtship began while we were still living in DC (which we left because of $$$). Kevin worked with a gal from Minnesota. Her father owns a gym in the twin city area. She was impressed by Kevin's mad skills and told her dad all about him. So he tried and tried to get us to come. He finally won by buying us plane tickets to Minnesota in December. By the end of the trip Kevin gave his heart to the wintry, icy, awful state of MN and Flyaways Gold Gymnastics. It was a love affair gone right - for him.

Kevin left me and TN in January to go to MN. No - not divorce or separation - still married just living apart. I had to stay and wait for them to find a replacement for me at work and to try and find work in MN. We were apart for 6 weeks. It was HARD. I don't suggest that to any one do that, ever. EVER! So as a token of my love and affection i packed all my stuff and princess Ellie into my car and headed north to join him in the frozen tundra of MN at the end of February.

Ellie and I did NOT enjoy the ridiculousness that is MN. They have to have extension poles on their fire hydrants because the freaking snow buries them beneath its icy grip. The lakes freeze and people go ICE FISHING. 30 degrees in the winter is an unseasonably warm spell. I'm not going to lie the cold made me cuss a lot!

The economy drove us from TN and then helped me leave MN. I couldn't find a job. YES I LOOKED. I searched for three months and nada, zero, zip jobs for me. I only had one real interview in THREE MONTHS. So once again I packed my car and princess Ellie and we headed south. All the way to THE Tampa, FL.

Sounds like we're living the dream back in the sunshine state except I had to leave Kevin in MN to finish the gymnastic season. We were apart for six more weeks. Really, folks - DO NOT ATTEMPT THIS AT HOME. So as of May Kevin and I had lived apart for 12 weeks and together for four. NOT GOOD.

We're staying with my parents which makes life interesting to say the least. Moving home after being gone for 10 years was interesting and adding in a husband makes it extra interesting. Oh, did I say the reason it's so interesting is because my 91 year-old grandfather who has dementia also lives with us? There's never a dull moment, that's for sure.

On the economic front I applied for a part-time bookkeeping job and turned it into a full-time job that paid more than my last. Ok, you got me - I had nothing to do with it - it was totally a God thing. I'm the administrator of a united methodist church. Again! Those UMCS suck me back in! Kevin finally came to FL in May for interviews and such. So far he's working part-time in gymnastics and will hopefully be going back into law enforcement.

Oh and did i mention that i'm reapplying for seminary? I figure the third time's a charm. Hopefully i can actually have enough faith to trust God that He'll work out the funding and the time constraints and then He and I can stop fighting over this calling thing. I only have 84 credit hours to go, have to work full-time and still want to start a family. I'm going to see how far out onto that lake I can walk before I sink because I know He'll catch me or at least pull me back up and clear the water from my lungs.

BRAVO to you if you've read this far! I'll blog more often so I don't have to write a short novel just to cover the last three months.

For those that didn't read and are skipping to the end:
**We live in Florida
**I work for a church again
**Kevin is in FL too and is a White male seeking a loving employer to spend 40 hours a week with.
**We bought a monkey (Ok so we didn't but you shouldn't have skipped to the end)

The unknown parts of us

We are funny creatures, we humans. In my freshman psychology class we were taught that there are four parts to every person. First there is the part that only that person knows. Second there is a part that that person and others know. Third there is a part that others know but the person does not. And fourth there is a part not yet known. [I'm sure that there are proper names for this but i can't remember that part - sorry.]

At work today we discussed in depth the third part of one of our coworkers. We've all taken a communications style test to help us to better communicate with each other. We reviewed said person's responses this afternoon and couldn't help but to laugh out loud at the responses. On one of the questions you are supposed to choose if people see you as: more playful and fun or more serious. She chose playful and fun. The rest of us are sure she her idea of playful or fun is more like what the rest of us call serious and stiff. She is one of the most serious people I know and is not capable of abstract thought. Clearly she sees her self very differently than she is perceived.

This also comes on the heals of someone calling me a know-it-all. A phrase that I detest. I openly, publicly, and often repeat that I don't know it all. I do know some of it (what ever that is) but no more than most of the people i know. I hate this phrase - not because i feel that it's true, but because there's no arguing your way out of it. Any response with facts or emotions elicits the usual "see I told you." I wish I knew the way to stop hearing that phrase. [See I clearly do not know it all - i have no idea how to solve this problem.] Obviously there is something in my third part that i need to discover and improve on.

For me, when confronted with third and fourth parts of me I panic. I struggle with wanting everyone to approve of me. Not necessarily like me, but at least validate my existence in some way. I wish i didn't have to write that about myself but it falls clearly in the things i do know about myself. It is a struggle. I want to be able to be satisfied only with how God sees me. He obviously knows all things about everything. He even takes the time to count the hair on my head. Why can't I be satisfied with that?

I think I'm experiencing an identity crisis. Part of the crisis comes in that I have to play different roles in different situations. I am probably one person around old friends who know me well and another around coworkers. Still another around my husband and another around my family. Is everyone this compartmentalized? Is this a result of the craziness that has been my life? Maybe the answer is therapy but the thought of paying someone to listen to me rant about my childhood and life makes me cringe. Funny, because i have no problem sending these musings into cyberspace waiting for anyone and everyone to read and comment as they see fit.

So for now, dear void, tell me that everything will be ok. That it's silly to need to feel that i have to be validated (Jesus paid a high price for me - I am valid.) That I am not a know it all. That it's okay not to have all the answers to all the questions that race through my thoughts.