The unknown parts of us

We are funny creatures, we humans. In my freshman psychology class we were taught that there are four parts to every person. First there is the part that only that person knows. Second there is a part that that person and others know. Third there is a part that others know but the person does not. And fourth there is a part not yet known. [I'm sure that there are proper names for this but i can't remember that part - sorry.]

At work today we discussed in depth the third part of one of our coworkers. We've all taken a communications style test to help us to better communicate with each other. We reviewed said person's responses this afternoon and couldn't help but to laugh out loud at the responses. On one of the questions you are supposed to choose if people see you as: more playful and fun or more serious. She chose playful and fun. The rest of us are sure she her idea of playful or fun is more like what the rest of us call serious and stiff. She is one of the most serious people I know and is not capable of abstract thought. Clearly she sees her self very differently than she is perceived.

This also comes on the heals of someone calling me a know-it-all. A phrase that I detest. I openly, publicly, and often repeat that I don't know it all. I do know some of it (what ever that is) but no more than most of the people i know. I hate this phrase - not because i feel that it's true, but because there's no arguing your way out of it. Any response with facts or emotions elicits the usual "see I told you." I wish I knew the way to stop hearing that phrase. [See I clearly do not know it all - i have no idea how to solve this problem.] Obviously there is something in my third part that i need to discover and improve on.

For me, when confronted with third and fourth parts of me I panic. I struggle with wanting everyone to approve of me. Not necessarily like me, but at least validate my existence in some way. I wish i didn't have to write that about myself but it falls clearly in the things i do know about myself. It is a struggle. I want to be able to be satisfied only with how God sees me. He obviously knows all things about everything. He even takes the time to count the hair on my head. Why can't I be satisfied with that?

I think I'm experiencing an identity crisis. Part of the crisis comes in that I have to play different roles in different situations. I am probably one person around old friends who know me well and another around coworkers. Still another around my husband and another around my family. Is everyone this compartmentalized? Is this a result of the craziness that has been my life? Maybe the answer is therapy but the thought of paying someone to listen to me rant about my childhood and life makes me cringe. Funny, because i have no problem sending these musings into cyberspace waiting for anyone and everyone to read and comment as they see fit.

So for now, dear void, tell me that everything will be ok. That it's silly to need to feel that i have to be validated (Jesus paid a high price for me - I am valid.) That I am not a know it all. That it's okay not to have all the answers to all the questions that race through my thoughts.

What the...?

So this morning as i was getting ready for work I watched the Today show as always. This morning they shared this story.

My honest reaction was WTF?!? Where to start?

They raised the chimp since he was 3 days old. - Where do you get a 3 day old chimp? What posses you to think, "THIS is the perfect pet for me."?

Poor chimpy gets Lyme disease. - Don't they have Adventex for chimps? No? Oh, right because CHIMPS AREN'T NATIVE TO THE US WHERE TICKS LIVE.

Chimpy is having a bad day so his owners give him Xanax Tea. - Again - WTF? Where'd she get the Xanax? Was it a prescription for the chimp? Why give it to him in a tea? Why is a chimp drinking tea? My brain is ready to explode.

Chimpy goes apey (ha!) the owner gos after him with a Butcher knife and a shovel when the stabbing doesn't work. - So, if you raised an animal from 3 days old how grizzled do you have to be to repeatedly stab your pet? Seriously this disturbs me.

Stabbed chimp runs away, opens a cop car door, and attacks the cop. The cop "has no choice but to shoot the chimp several times." - One bullet can't put this repeatedly stabbed and beaten chimp down? Is this super chimp? Can he leap over buildings and save caged zoo animals? If a cop shot a human "several times" he'd be brought up on charges - even if the human were a convicted baby killer.

The cop being interviewed said that the department recently attained tasers that could have stopped the chimp. But, these tasers couldn't be deployed to the scene in time. - What kind of police department purchases tasers and then leaves them at the department to be deployed when needed? Shouldn't you carry those with you?

We, as a society, have some serious issues. I'm just saying.

I'm never going to say never - starting now

The beauty of the divine is when you can look back on a journey and see how seemingly inconsequential, mundane choices in life led to the amazing and unknown. Today while I prepare to move - again i can't help but to sit back and just giggle at God. If you had asked me 10 years ago what I'd be doing I can tell you some things that would not have made the list. I would NEVER have said I'd be moving to Minnesota. I would NEVER have thought that I would have applied to be a church administrator or a pastor. The list continues. Five years ago or even six months ago would i ever, in my wildest dreams, think that I'd be where I am.

If there is one thing I've learned these years it is that I should stop saying never. "I'm never moving to Orlando" Whoops - moved to Orlando. "I'm never getting married." Well - I am. I give up. I've often said that my favorite verse is Jeremiah 10:23: "For I know oh Lord that a man's life is not his own. It's not for man to direct his steps." That's my hearts cry and perhaps I should have stopped more often over the years and really soaked that in. Instead I make plans. I determine my steps and then get stressed when they don't work.

I'm not saying that from this point on I'm going to lie in bed until God tells me to get up. (Though there are some days that that sounds divine.) I'm saying that instead of making my plans and running ahead thinking I have to handle everything on my own I can actually learn to rely on God. I can trust that what he has for me are good things, good plans - better plans than I can make. I need to find the tension between: doing everything on my own and figuring everything out by myself and STRESSING OUT all the time; and trusting God, finding out His plan, listening to what He has to say about this story He's writing that includes me but is not about me.

I don't have to plan. I have only to listen and respond. I don't have to stress - in fact I'm told not to worry more than once in scripture (suggesting that this is a trend with humanity). I think I'm going to get that tattooed on my right hand so I have to look at it everyday.