And we're off...

The marthon pace of life has officially began. On Monday we moved all of our belongings, except for Princess Ellie, into our apartment. Right now it looks like we live in a fortress of boxes. I'm not going to lie, it takes everything in me to not spend all my time away from work to get this place organized.

Why can't I spend my non-working time on organizing? Because I'm also now a full-time graduate student. I thought I was just a plain ol' seminary student but my professors all strongly emphasized that they expect a certain level of committement and ability. Their point is strongly emphasized by the amount of reading I have due already. By this time next week I'm supposed to have read five TEXT books! In the immortal words of Bart Simpson "Holy Cow man!"

To complete this marathon I still have to work my normal 40-50 hour a week job. A job that's going well, but is filled challenges as I work to fix the mistakes of former employees.

So...the gun has fired, the race has begun and now i'm praying that I can finish the semester without dying of exhaustion. It would be even better to have a dog that's still alive, a husband that feels loved and appreciated, a job that's still going smoothly, and at least a B in each class. Pray for us!

Now back to my classes - I had to take a momentary break to find a pen and somehow got distracted with a blog. This IS going to be a long semester.

My Heart for Ministry

So I'm working on Candidacy - the process by which people are ordained in the Methodist Church. One of the questions in the book is "What are your dreams for the future?" Thought I'd share my answer:

I dream of a church that is filled with all generations. I church that is relevant and current. A church that speaks to people’s lives. A church where people realize that at the foot of the cross we are all unworthy. I dream of seeing people fall in love with God and developing that relationship. I dream of seeing a church that understands being connectional and that what we do relates to the people around us and around the world. I dream of leading a church that realizes that the church isn’t a building or a place or time – that we are the church. I dream of change and not church as it has been done, especially just because that’s the way it’s always been done. I dream of a church that gives sacrificially, worships with abandon, is filled with people that live life together and actually know the person across the “aisle”, a church that lives out Jesus’ command to “Love the Lord with all your heart, your mind, and your soul…and to love your neighbor.” I hope to lead people to love well as I learn to love well.

The last 3 months

So, I've been told a lot lately that everyone feels out of the loop with what's going on in the lives of the Thorntons. So here goes:

Since I last updated my blog 3 months and some change ago I was living in Tennessee, working for a company that marketed tourism for the county we lived in. I LOVED IT! Tennessee was home for me. We were a part of a church that was filled with awesome people, Love, Art, Service, rich teachings, AWESOME and engaging worship, a fun filled (amish) village with amaizing people (aka a small group) and oh so much more. I also loved my job. I got to make a difference in a company that is making a difference in the local economy. I got to work with amazing people. Unfortunately, as much as Kevin loved Tennessee and our church his work wasn't such a happy place. Aside from political and philosophical differences at his work the stupid economy caught up to the gymnastic world of that part of TN. With lowering enrollment the gym for which Kevin was working had to cut his hours down to part time.

Meanwhile, a love affair was developing between Kevin, a man, and a gym. No, Kevin's not gay. But he was being pursued by an older man - for a coaching position. This courtship began while we were still living in DC (which we left because of $$$). Kevin worked with a gal from Minnesota. Her father owns a gym in the twin city area. She was impressed by Kevin's mad skills and told her dad all about him. So he tried and tried to get us to come. He finally won by buying us plane tickets to Minnesota in December. By the end of the trip Kevin gave his heart to the wintry, icy, awful state of MN and Flyaways Gold Gymnastics. It was a love affair gone right - for him.

Kevin left me and TN in January to go to MN. No - not divorce or separation - still married just living apart. I had to stay and wait for them to find a replacement for me at work and to try and find work in MN. We were apart for 6 weeks. It was HARD. I don't suggest that to any one do that, ever. EVER! So as a token of my love and affection i packed all my stuff and princess Ellie into my car and headed north to join him in the frozen tundra of MN at the end of February.

Ellie and I did NOT enjoy the ridiculousness that is MN. They have to have extension poles on their fire hydrants because the freaking snow buries them beneath its icy grip. The lakes freeze and people go ICE FISHING. 30 degrees in the winter is an unseasonably warm spell. I'm not going to lie the cold made me cuss a lot!

The economy drove us from TN and then helped me leave MN. I couldn't find a job. YES I LOOKED. I searched for three months and nada, zero, zip jobs for me. I only had one real interview in THREE MONTHS. So once again I packed my car and princess Ellie and we headed south. All the way to THE Tampa, FL.

Sounds like we're living the dream back in the sunshine state except I had to leave Kevin in MN to finish the gymnastic season. We were apart for six more weeks. Really, folks - DO NOT ATTEMPT THIS AT HOME. So as of May Kevin and I had lived apart for 12 weeks and together for four. NOT GOOD.

We're staying with my parents which makes life interesting to say the least. Moving home after being gone for 10 years was interesting and adding in a husband makes it extra interesting. Oh, did I say the reason it's so interesting is because my 91 year-old grandfather who has dementia also lives with us? There's never a dull moment, that's for sure.

On the economic front I applied for a part-time bookkeeping job and turned it into a full-time job that paid more than my last. Ok, you got me - I had nothing to do with it - it was totally a God thing. I'm the administrator of a united methodist church. Again! Those UMCS suck me back in! Kevin finally came to FL in May for interviews and such. So far he's working part-time in gymnastics and will hopefully be going back into law enforcement.

Oh and did i mention that i'm reapplying for seminary? I figure the third time's a charm. Hopefully i can actually have enough faith to trust God that He'll work out the funding and the time constraints and then He and I can stop fighting over this calling thing. I only have 84 credit hours to go, have to work full-time and still want to start a family. I'm going to see how far out onto that lake I can walk before I sink because I know He'll catch me or at least pull me back up and clear the water from my lungs.

BRAVO to you if you've read this far! I'll blog more often so I don't have to write a short novel just to cover the last three months.

For those that didn't read and are skipping to the end:
**We live in Florida
**I work for a church again
**Kevin is in FL too and is a White male seeking a loving employer to spend 40 hours a week with.
**We bought a monkey (Ok so we didn't but you shouldn't have skipped to the end)

The unknown parts of us

We are funny creatures, we humans. In my freshman psychology class we were taught that there are four parts to every person. First there is the part that only that person knows. Second there is a part that that person and others know. Third there is a part that others know but the person does not. And fourth there is a part not yet known. [I'm sure that there are proper names for this but i can't remember that part - sorry.]

At work today we discussed in depth the third part of one of our coworkers. We've all taken a communications style test to help us to better communicate with each other. We reviewed said person's responses this afternoon and couldn't help but to laugh out loud at the responses. On one of the questions you are supposed to choose if people see you as: more playful and fun or more serious. She chose playful and fun. The rest of us are sure she her idea of playful or fun is more like what the rest of us call serious and stiff. She is one of the most serious people I know and is not capable of abstract thought. Clearly she sees her self very differently than she is perceived.

This also comes on the heals of someone calling me a know-it-all. A phrase that I detest. I openly, publicly, and often repeat that I don't know it all. I do know some of it (what ever that is) but no more than most of the people i know. I hate this phrase - not because i feel that it's true, but because there's no arguing your way out of it. Any response with facts or emotions elicits the usual "see I told you." I wish I knew the way to stop hearing that phrase. [See I clearly do not know it all - i have no idea how to solve this problem.] Obviously there is something in my third part that i need to discover and improve on.

For me, when confronted with third and fourth parts of me I panic. I struggle with wanting everyone to approve of me. Not necessarily like me, but at least validate my existence in some way. I wish i didn't have to write that about myself but it falls clearly in the things i do know about myself. It is a struggle. I want to be able to be satisfied only with how God sees me. He obviously knows all things about everything. He even takes the time to count the hair on my head. Why can't I be satisfied with that?

I think I'm experiencing an identity crisis. Part of the crisis comes in that I have to play different roles in different situations. I am probably one person around old friends who know me well and another around coworkers. Still another around my husband and another around my family. Is everyone this compartmentalized? Is this a result of the craziness that has been my life? Maybe the answer is therapy but the thought of paying someone to listen to me rant about my childhood and life makes me cringe. Funny, because i have no problem sending these musings into cyberspace waiting for anyone and everyone to read and comment as they see fit.

So for now, dear void, tell me that everything will be ok. That it's silly to need to feel that i have to be validated (Jesus paid a high price for me - I am valid.) That I am not a know it all. That it's okay not to have all the answers to all the questions that race through my thoughts.

What the...?

So this morning as i was getting ready for work I watched the Today show as always. This morning they shared this story.

My honest reaction was WTF?!? Where to start?

They raised the chimp since he was 3 days old. - Where do you get a 3 day old chimp? What posses you to think, "THIS is the perfect pet for me."?

Poor chimpy gets Lyme disease. - Don't they have Adventex for chimps? No? Oh, right because CHIMPS AREN'T NATIVE TO THE US WHERE TICKS LIVE.

Chimpy is having a bad day so his owners give him Xanax Tea. - Again - WTF? Where'd she get the Xanax? Was it a prescription for the chimp? Why give it to him in a tea? Why is a chimp drinking tea? My brain is ready to explode.

Chimpy goes apey (ha!) the owner gos after him with a Butcher knife and a shovel when the stabbing doesn't work. - So, if you raised an animal from 3 days old how grizzled do you have to be to repeatedly stab your pet? Seriously this disturbs me.

Stabbed chimp runs away, opens a cop car door, and attacks the cop. The cop "has no choice but to shoot the chimp several times." - One bullet can't put this repeatedly stabbed and beaten chimp down? Is this super chimp? Can he leap over buildings and save caged zoo animals? If a cop shot a human "several times" he'd be brought up on charges - even if the human were a convicted baby killer.

The cop being interviewed said that the department recently attained tasers that could have stopped the chimp. But, these tasers couldn't be deployed to the scene in time. - What kind of police department purchases tasers and then leaves them at the department to be deployed when needed? Shouldn't you carry those with you?

We, as a society, have some serious issues. I'm just saying.

I'm never going to say never - starting now

The beauty of the divine is when you can look back on a journey and see how seemingly inconsequential, mundane choices in life led to the amazing and unknown. Today while I prepare to move - again i can't help but to sit back and just giggle at God. If you had asked me 10 years ago what I'd be doing I can tell you some things that would not have made the list. I would NEVER have said I'd be moving to Minnesota. I would NEVER have thought that I would have applied to be a church administrator or a pastor. The list continues. Five years ago or even six months ago would i ever, in my wildest dreams, think that I'd be where I am.

If there is one thing I've learned these years it is that I should stop saying never. "I'm never moving to Orlando" Whoops - moved to Orlando. "I'm never getting married." Well - I am. I give up. I've often said that my favorite verse is Jeremiah 10:23: "For I know oh Lord that a man's life is not his own. It's not for man to direct his steps." That's my hearts cry and perhaps I should have stopped more often over the years and really soaked that in. Instead I make plans. I determine my steps and then get stressed when they don't work.

I'm not saying that from this point on I'm going to lie in bed until God tells me to get up. (Though there are some days that that sounds divine.) I'm saying that instead of making my plans and running ahead thinking I have to handle everything on my own I can actually learn to rely on God. I can trust that what he has for me are good things, good plans - better plans than I can make. I need to find the tension between: doing everything on my own and figuring everything out by myself and STRESSING OUT all the time; and trusting God, finding out His plan, listening to what He has to say about this story He's writing that includes me but is not about me.

I don't have to plan. I have only to listen and respond. I don't have to stress - in fact I'm told not to worry more than once in scripture (suggesting that this is a trend with humanity). I think I'm going to get that tattooed on my right hand so I have to look at it everyday.