Tick Tock Tick Tock

Isn’t it funny how at 60 seconds can seem like the longest amount of time on earth and other times it’s way too short. Life is full of waiting, times when time seems not to be moving – or at least life’s not moving with time. Then there’s days when you wake up and realize that the memory you were just thinking about was actually 7 years ago!!!

In Philosophy of Religion that I took nearly two years ago (seems like a few months ago) we talked about whether we believe God exists inside or outside of time. I concluded that God exists outside of it, but as proven by history can step into it. (Jesus)

I want to exist outside of time. I want to not worry. And the more I think about it most of my worries and stress are time related, perhaps not on the surface but time plays a factor. I worry about money because I need it for future bills or other future needs. I stress over starting a family, my marriage, and so many other things – because of what might happen in the future or things that happened in the past.

Why do we feel that we have to measure our lives by time? By age such and such I should have done so and so. Ten years from now everything will be fine. Oh to be whatever age again when life was carefree.

Time consumes us. Literally, we’re eaten up one day at a time. I know in my head that it’s silly to worry about tomorrow or even yesterday – that all we have is right now. I wish I could teach that to my heart, my soul, to the thing in me that spends so much time wishing for things to be different, wishing for the future to be here now, wishing that I had done things differently in the past.

I can’t touch yesterday and tomorrow’s not certain. I want to learn to live right now. Not to think – ok I have an hour before such and such happens so I’ll just fill my time with something useless until then. Reliant K said it best in their song More Than Useless, “My datebook is packed full of days that were empty and now gone.” I’m tired of having empty days filled with nothing.

I don’t know how to fix it, though. Even now I’m counting minutes until Kevin gets home, days until I go to Tallahassee, months until we finally feel settled somewhere, and years for dreams to come true. I don’t want to be Hook – haunted by the ticking of the clock inside the crock that’s waiting to eat me. But, I don’t know how to get to the place Peter Pan found – where time stood still and he was a boy forever.